This is a combo recap of two seperate conversations I have had with L in the last say 7 days.
L: I see pictures in my head
ME: I do too. Isn't it amazing?
L: Yes and then I draw them.
ME: I write about them
So tonight....
L: I dream about art all the time, picture and crafts and colors.
ME: Well I do too and sometimes I daydream about them also.
L: I dream about them all the time and then I see myself drawing them or painting them or making them. It is so cool. You know?
ME: Yes I write them instead. I use words to draw the pictures.
L: Well maybe when I learn to write I can do that. (Long pause) Hey momma, when are you going to learn how to draw?
She was serious too. I cannot draw worth spit. Good thing I seem to be able to write.
What I love about these exchanges is that she sees herself as a creative being. She is very much in touch with that part of herself. I need to keep her focused on that. At 6 she is realizing her artistic potential and she sees that the thoughts in her head do come out on the paper in front of her. Fully realizing her artistic gift is a huge blessing. It took me 33 years to realize mine.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
It is honorable to be honest...
Honesty. I think that is the key. It is honorable to be honest and it is honorable to be a person of your word. This is a "family" value which many in positions of power seem to struggle with. CEOs of investment banks lying to the board or shareholders. Politicos lying about affairs. Husbands and wives lying to each other.
In our culture, while what Edwards is presumed to have done (what my father did) and what countless men and women do every day - cheat - is marginally acceptable. Acceptable in the finger pointing, vilifying way - but accepted and discussed in the public forums. I am sure their will be echoes of "that bastard - he cheated on his wife during her battle with cancer....." or the occasional "way to go John, she was hot..." or something in between.
When one holds or wishes to hold a position of power - the truth always seems to come out. From what I have read his wife, Elizabeth seemed to have known prior to the headlines on Friday. (Well that is small consolation - but at least she knew prior. It sounds like they have had some time to attempt to heal.)
I am sadden because his behavior is a betrayal of his covenant to his wife, it shows lack of judgment and character. That he out right lied about it is an issue for someone seeking public office. To be fair - I do not think he is a bad person because he has SEX with someone other than his wife - it is the deceit and the lying that I take issue with. How they choose to structure their relationship, rebuild or otherwise is a PRIVATE matter.
For me it is not that John had sex with someone else - it is that he lied to so many people (mainly his wife - but then to the American people) in the process. Sex is not love and love is not sex and SEX is really not the issue here - regardless of what so many people will think - the real issue is being honest.
Transparency is very important. I agree that candidates and public officials and even celebritants should be afforded some measure of privacy. That said though when one puts themselves in the public eye or is asking us to charge them with a very big duty - like becoming president - it is important that they be honest, trustworthy and honorable. Note I did not say perfect. Mistakes happen and there is always that chance for a lapse in judgment, but then that is when true strength and honor shine - when one takes responsibility for one's actions.
In our culture, while what Edwards is presumed to have done (what my father did) and what countless men and women do every day - cheat - is marginally acceptable. Acceptable in the finger pointing, vilifying way - but accepted and discussed in the public forums. I am sure their will be echoes of "that bastard - he cheated on his wife during her battle with cancer....." or the occasional "way to go John, she was hot..." or something in between.
When one holds or wishes to hold a position of power - the truth always seems to come out. From what I have read his wife, Elizabeth seemed to have known prior to the headlines on Friday. (Well that is small consolation - but at least she knew prior. It sounds like they have had some time to attempt to heal.)
I am sadden because his behavior is a betrayal of his covenant to his wife, it shows lack of judgment and character. That he out right lied about it is an issue for someone seeking public office. To be fair - I do not think he is a bad person because he has SEX with someone other than his wife - it is the deceit and the lying that I take issue with. How they choose to structure their relationship, rebuild or otherwise is a PRIVATE matter.
For me it is not that John had sex with someone else - it is that he lied to so many people (mainly his wife - but then to the American people) in the process. Sex is not love and love is not sex and SEX is really not the issue here - regardless of what so many people will think - the real issue is being honest.
Transparency is very important. I agree that candidates and public officials and even celebritants should be afforded some measure of privacy. That said though when one puts themselves in the public eye or is asking us to charge them with a very big duty - like becoming president - it is important that they be honest, trustworthy and honorable. Note I did not say perfect. Mistakes happen and there is always that chance for a lapse in judgment, but then that is when true strength and honor shine - when one takes responsibility for one's actions.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Hopeful realism
We had no trouble finding the doctors office and we got checked in, went to wait and they took us right away. Answered like a million questions from the nurse and then saw Dr. Rand his research fellow Dr. G. We spoke with him for a long time. (like over an hour...)
He took a history and then looked at film, took the CDroms - and was going to get her OR slides and all that jazz.
We have three basic choices and he views his role as educated adviser. He can offer his opinion and guidance but mom is in the drivers seat. Only she can say what she is willing and able to endure.
The bottom line is the conventional treatment is not working. Her scans indicate that there is uptake of the Radiative Iodine - but that it is not having its intended effect. It should shrink or stop the tumor from growing. So it is absorbing the chemical - but the chemical is not having the intending consequence. The tumor is also taking up the glucose or sugar injected during the PET scan - which means the tumor is active and growing. Not a good sign. The Iodine should stop or slow the metabolic activity at the cellular level.
So we have three basic choices. We can do nothing (this one is hands down not recommended because the other two have a reasonable good success rate.)
Option A - Do an inpatient and concentrated dose of radioactive iodine. They can target the tumors metabolically better. This has some major possible side effects and could damage her bone marrow or lungs. There are ways to mitigate those side affects but they also limit the effectiveness of the treatment. This is the general next step - but since Mom has already had a reasonably large dose of Radioactive Iodine, his feeling is we may want to save this until we really need it - and since it has been marginally ineffective before is it really the next step? He will know more once he has a chance to really study her file.
Option B - Test out and enter a trail of some Chemo - in pill form. They have some great new stuff on the market and just shy of coming to market drugs - which are exciting and seem to be effective - many of them have been approved for Kidney cancer but seem to have the same desired effected or at least desirable effect in thyroid cancer. The general feeling is these will slow the growth of the tumors for a unspecified period of time - then for reasons not yet known, somehow the tumor mutates and the treatment ceases to work. This tends to happen quickly.
The bonus is she does have a form of thyroid cancer(follicular) which is treatable. There is an extremely aggressive form - to which there is very little to be done. So while there is a form of thyroid cancer which moves like a speeding bullet train - Mom's is more like honey on a a fall day, slow moving.
He did explain that while there are treatments there is no cure. That we have made it him means we have past the point of cure. That it has spread post thyriodectomy means we are seeking an extension of quality and quantity of life. For many patients it can be 5-10-15 years before the treatment ceases to be effective. In others less than 5. In some cases even more than that. Each year brings new advances and new treatments. That is hard to hear - but then he says the interesting thing about thyroid cancer - more than just about any other one - is that for every patient it is different.
So he is going to get with his team and review her films and history - take a look at the blood work and then we can get back together again!
She has a rare disease and and happens to live in a city with one of the only research centers for it. That is a blessing. While there is no magic bullet - it is nice to know that her disease can be studied and her experiences can lead them to new discoveries.
Overall I am impressed with his knowledge and his willingness to be candid and frank. He is clearly smart and I think the chain yanking and teeth pulling was so worth it to get into see him. He is out of network for Mom's insurance and it was a circus getting approval for this office visit.
Mom will be with us for a while I think and I know she is motivated within reason to keep on keeping on! It is a blessing that she will be moving closer - so that we can spend the time together. I also think if I can help her with the small stuff she can manage.
Overall it was a positive day - but I am very tired nonetheless. It is draining trying to keep up with the medical speak and the office hopping. Mom was tired too.
So that was us as we left the hospital complex. Hopeful, realistic and tired!
He took a history and then looked at film, took the CDroms - and was going to get her OR slides and all that jazz.
We have three basic choices and he views his role as educated adviser. He can offer his opinion and guidance but mom is in the drivers seat. Only she can say what she is willing and able to endure.
The bottom line is the conventional treatment is not working. Her scans indicate that there is uptake of the Radiative Iodine - but that it is not having its intended effect. It should shrink or stop the tumor from growing. So it is absorbing the chemical - but the chemical is not having the intending consequence. The tumor is also taking up the glucose or sugar injected during the PET scan - which means the tumor is active and growing. Not a good sign. The Iodine should stop or slow the metabolic activity at the cellular level.
So we have three basic choices. We can do nothing (this one is hands down not recommended because the other two have a reasonable good success rate.)
Option A - Do an inpatient and concentrated dose of radioactive iodine. They can target the tumors metabolically better. This has some major possible side effects and could damage her bone marrow or lungs. There are ways to mitigate those side affects but they also limit the effectiveness of the treatment. This is the general next step - but since Mom has already had a reasonably large dose of Radioactive Iodine, his feeling is we may want to save this until we really need it - and since it has been marginally ineffective before is it really the next step? He will know more once he has a chance to really study her file.
Option B - Test out and enter a trail of some Chemo - in pill form. They have some great new stuff on the market and just shy of coming to market drugs - which are exciting and seem to be effective - many of them have been approved for Kidney cancer but seem to have the same desired effected or at least desirable effect in thyroid cancer. The general feeling is these will slow the growth of the tumors for a unspecified period of time - then for reasons not yet known, somehow the tumor mutates and the treatment ceases to work. This tends to happen quickly.
The bonus is she does have a form of thyroid cancer(follicular) which is treatable. There is an extremely aggressive form - to which there is very little to be done. So while there is a form of thyroid cancer which moves like a speeding bullet train - Mom's is more like honey on a a fall day, slow moving.
He did explain that while there are treatments there is no cure. That we have made it him means we have past the point of cure. That it has spread post thyriodectomy means we are seeking an extension of quality and quantity of life. For many patients it can be 5-10-15 years before the treatment ceases to be effective. In others less than 5. In some cases even more than that. Each year brings new advances and new treatments. That is hard to hear - but then he says the interesting thing about thyroid cancer - more than just about any other one - is that for every patient it is different.
So he is going to get with his team and review her films and history - take a look at the blood work and then we can get back together again!
She has a rare disease and and happens to live in a city with one of the only research centers for it. That is a blessing. While there is no magic bullet - it is nice to know that her disease can be studied and her experiences can lead them to new discoveries.
Overall I am impressed with his knowledge and his willingness to be candid and frank. He is clearly smart and I think the chain yanking and teeth pulling was so worth it to get into see him. He is out of network for Mom's insurance and it was a circus getting approval for this office visit.
Mom will be with us for a while I think and I know she is motivated within reason to keep on keeping on! It is a blessing that she will be moving closer - so that we can spend the time together. I also think if I can help her with the small stuff she can manage.
Overall it was a positive day - but I am very tired nonetheless. It is draining trying to keep up with the medical speak and the office hopping. Mom was tired too.
So that was us as we left the hospital complex. Hopeful, realistic and tired!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The will is strong and the body is....
The other day my friend was lamenting her lack of running mojo! I have the mojo but sadly not the body to go with it. I ran yesterday but it was a push to get the 2 miles. My right hip is troubling me and well I am stiff in places I have not been stiff in for a really long time.
I really want to do the half marathon again. My brain wants to and my heart is on board - but my body seems to be saying - "wait a minute there girls, I am not sure I am game." My mind tells my body to push through it and go and my body responds by making it hurt just a bit more.
I know I have to listen to my body. If I have learned nothing in the last year and half it is to listen intently to what my body says. Cuz if I do not, my body has a nasty way of jumping me when my back is turned, ignoring it, and I have to say - my body wins - always.
This is not to say that I am not still working out and doing well - on the contrary. I am biking with the kids, running in the gym and doing the elliptical machine. All no problem! But when it comes to running for more than 2-3 miles, my body is slamming on the breaks.
This happened last year, but earlier in my training - so I am not sure what to make of this. Other than I am going to keep stretching and hope that we get past that - because I so want to run the half marathon again this year. Somehow it will just not be the same - standing at the finishing line watching my friend J finish it!
I really want to do the half marathon again. My brain wants to and my heart is on board - but my body seems to be saying - "wait a minute there girls, I am not sure I am game." My mind tells my body to push through it and go and my body responds by making it hurt just a bit more.
I know I have to listen to my body. If I have learned nothing in the last year and half it is to listen intently to what my body says. Cuz if I do not, my body has a nasty way of jumping me when my back is turned, ignoring it, and I have to say - my body wins - always.
This is not to say that I am not still working out and doing well - on the contrary. I am biking with the kids, running in the gym and doing the elliptical machine. All no problem! But when it comes to running for more than 2-3 miles, my body is slamming on the breaks.
This happened last year, but earlier in my training - so I am not sure what to make of this. Other than I am going to keep stretching and hope that we get past that - because I so want to run the half marathon again this year. Somehow it will just not be the same - standing at the finishing line watching my friend J finish it!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Proof that my stomach has turned
I am pushing two years of the special eating plan and I now have proof that not eating certain foods does something to a person. It makes one squeamish about foods that many people consider indulgences. Diet cheat foods.
What got me you say? Pizza, nachos, ice cream - nope. Store bought cake with the gooey, kid pleasing icing! (Please note: I did not eat the food - which turned my stomach - merely looking at it was enough.)
For L's birthday party I got a cake from the grocery - 24 cupcakes to be exact so that I would not have to cut the cake. Well the holes and crevices between the cup cakes was filled with icing. It was enough to have iced about 6 more cupcakes.
As I put the remainder of the cake away, it oozed all over my hands and it was sticky and smelled so sweet. It literally turned my stomach. Almost all the kids had licked it off the cakes and enjoyed every sweet gooey bit.
Me, I know it has to contain something that I should not have and well - it literally made me feel ill. Proof that the clean eating has changed my stomach - for the better & forever! Looking at it made me feel funny - I can only imagine what would have happened had I actually ate it!
Can I have an apple, please?
What got me you say? Pizza, nachos, ice cream - nope. Store bought cake with the gooey, kid pleasing icing! (Please note: I did not eat the food - which turned my stomach - merely looking at it was enough.)
For L's birthday party I got a cake from the grocery - 24 cupcakes to be exact so that I would not have to cut the cake. Well the holes and crevices between the cup cakes was filled with icing. It was enough to have iced about 6 more cupcakes.
As I put the remainder of the cake away, it oozed all over my hands and it was sticky and smelled so sweet. It literally turned my stomach. Almost all the kids had licked it off the cakes and enjoyed every sweet gooey bit.
Me, I know it has to contain something that I should not have and well - it literally made me feel ill. Proof that the clean eating has changed my stomach - for the better & forever! Looking at it made me feel funny - I can only imagine what would have happened had I actually ate it!
Can I have an apple, please?
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