There once was a tree...

There once was a tree in our side yard. We loved this tree... and so did the Emerald Ash Borer. Those nasty pests destroy Ash trees like no one's business. We knew the tree's days were numbered. The ash in the back yard failed to produce any leaves this year... the treat out front gave it the old college try, but it was clear, this would be its last summer.

When the tree in the back yard dropped a good size limb, while H was picking up sticks, he decided it was time for us to get it taken down. I said the tree in the front side yard had to go too. Maybe would could have eked out another year, but the try was right by our bedroom and frankly, I do not need a large tree crashing through the roof, into our bedroom on a dark and stormy night, while H is away. No thank you.

I love trees. I hate to see them cut down. Part of the charm of our neighborhood, is all the mature trees. A ton of mature ash trees.

There are less and less trees thanks to that nasty bug.

 My beloved tree, as the guy climbed up, chunks and chunks of bark came down... this is a sign the tree is dying, the bark just falls off in sheets.

 The lower part of the tree failed to produce leaves this year. We knew when the once lush tree was mostly naked that the end was near.

 A limb just crashed down, no need to cut it...

 This was all that was left, a tiny puff at the top of a once rich and lush tree. The kids and I have spent many a day under this tree, on a blanket or in the hammock.

 They tied a rope to the tree and pulled as the guy cut a notch into the tree. It was a tall tree. I shudder to think what our house would have looked liked had mother nature blown the tree into our house. Yikes.

 This is the dead tree in the back. It proved a challenge to get down, as so many of the lower branches had shed over the last two summers.

This tree, while sad to lose, is less devastating that the tree in the front. In many ways this opened up a spot for the maple to thrive... out front it is just nothingness. I want to plant another tree, H wants to think it over.

This is an up close shot of the damage this borer does to the trees. It munches tunnels through the live part of the tree, which sadly kills the tree.

Last week I was looking longingly at trees in the parking lot of a local nursery. I want to replace my tree, but with what and frankly it will be time for me to depart this world, before anything we plant grows to the size of the tree we lost.

Music Monday: Jean Elan - Where's Your Head At

Now picture my Little Diva, in my bed room aka the house ballroom and dance studio, with a purple plastic trick or treat jack o lantern dancing. Yep that is what most days are like around here.

She is dancing and planning and organizing her own Halloween show! I suggested jokingly about a week ago, she should do her best Ichabod Crane and this song and the trick or treat buckets would be a great prop.

All I can say is be careful what you suggest!

This past week has been a challenging one and my Little Diva made a very adult decision to still dance with the Youth Company at her dance school in the annual Halloween Spooktacular! Having made that choice, she danced her heart out and I couldn't be prouder of her. This week she will perform at the annual trick or treat alternative event at the recreation center and tomorrow she misses school, to go perform in a few inner city schools and a nursing home. Her Youth Company brings dance and Halloween Cheer to those who might not otherwise experience it.

The arts do matter. They enrich our communities and just as communities are better for the support of the arts, I think artists, when they give back or pay it forward, they make our communities so much better.

So I have no doubts where Little Diva's heart or head is at...

Crafty Elf

For anyone following me on Twitter or paying attention on Facebook, it was clear I have been busy. I was not clear about what I was doing exactly, because I was busy in Santa's workshop aka my office/sewing room, making holiday gifts.

In total I made 4 no-sew fleece throws. I think these make wonderful gifts and L can help. She cuts the fringe or even ties some knots. The advantage to these, is the sky is the limit. You can make you own, by buying the fleece of your choice and trust me there is a pattern for everyone. JoAnn's even provides a tip sheet.

I have seen kits at all sorts of stores, naturally JoAnn's is my store of choice. Some kits will come prescored, which makes the entire process much easier and some you have to measure and cut, which takes more time, but is not fantastically challenging.

There is a variation on this theme, the patchwork fleece blanket. I made it a few years back for my mother. It was a challenge and I was sort in over my head. I have a kit, stashed away, which I may make this winter, but seriously, if you want to make a gift and you really feel you can't sew, the No Sew Fleece Throw is a great alternative. There is a throw pillow variant which is nice also.

The fleece throws got me warmed up, then I went for a sewing challenge.

In the summer I bought the book, One Yard Wonders after seeing it featured on a blog I used to follow. In truth, I have read it twice and made nothing. My sewing skills are basically decent, but I lacked the confidence to really go for it. The advantage is this book does have detailed directions and the internet has tons and I mean literally tons of tutorial videos. The sewing class this fall also helped to boost my confidence.

I wanted to make all the ladies in my book club something for the holidays, but I wanted to make it, not buy it. I wanted it to be the same, but unique.

I settled on the collapsible shopping bag. Great for shopping, coming to book club, going to library, and so much more. I had a variety of fabric around, some I had bought on whims and some I inherited from my mother-in-law or my mother. I only had to buy matching bias tape. (something I have never used before, but found easy enough to do, once I got the hang of it.)

In true sweatshop fashion, I cut out the five bags first, then I learned how to do a french seam. It is covered in the beginning of the book, but this tutorial helped alot too. (Tip: there are so many great sites out there, showing you how to do so many of these projects. So very helpful for the novice.)

Then I pinned the bags and then I slowly started sewing.

This charming bag I made from two tea towels, I picked up at World Market a few years ago. I love the pattern.

These bags, I had roughly 3.5 yards, so I was able to make three matching bags, are out of  the fabric I picked up at Walmart many years ago. It is whimsical. It was hard to work with though, the patchwork was wonky. I had a hard time creating the french seam.

This bag is out of exactly a yard of fabric. I have no idea where it came from. Ironically it was the easiest fabric to work with. The texture and weight seemed just right.

After I finshed these bags, I was SO excited. I wanted to Tweet pictures and post to facebook but it would ruin the surprise. So I waited and then I decided to make two more. I had the fabric and thought they would make charming presents.

I found this fabric frayed a bit, making the french seam a bit of a challenge, I did finally on these two master my bias tape technique. I finally was comfortable with using it and feeding it and then creating a clean edge.

Sewing really is about practice. You cannot learn to sew by just reading or watching You Tube vids, you have to just go for it. Each of these bags is unique, each had many flaws. They are perfectly imperfect, but they were made with love and there is not a single other bag in the world just like it.

And yes - I have given all of my handmade gifts away. Tonight I started on something for myself. I have truly been inspired and I am planning to tackle more projects after the holidays. I have proven, to myself, that I can in fact sew.

Staring up at the sun cuz I crashed on my...

SNOWBOARD. Yep, that is right, I went today and learned a winter sport, a sport that involves snow. I know, I know, I do not like snow, but L had the day off school and a few of her friends (and mine) had invited to us to join them for some Friday fun.

It should be mentioned at this point in the story, that I cannot ski. I have taken lessons. H and I spent our 1st wedding anniversary in Breckenridge, CO and all I got for my trouble was a sore behind, a wind burned and sun burned face and altitude sickness. On the 4th day of the 6 day trip, I asked him how this possible could compare with a trip to the beach. (Did I mention I was black and blue everywhere...)

My mother picked us up at the airport. She recalls thinking, "Well it must have been that good..." I looked a wreck getting off the plane.

Last time I went out on the slopes.

Skiing perplexes me. What to do with the poles, and the skis go in opposite directions... do not even get me started on the chair lift which totally freaks me out, in part becasue I have no idea what to do with the poles. Beyond that it is a lawn chair on a chain, how is that safe I ask you?

So L and I decided we would try to snowboard. We rented our gear and took a lesson, she will other little people and me with the adults.

I have to say, not having poles is a plus.

Only having one board to deal with verses two skis, a bonus.

It took some doing, but I got the hang of it. L struggled some too, but by the end of the day, we both managed clean runs, down the practice hill, bunny hills. L zooming down her last run, like a pro. She looked so strong and confident.

I felt strong and confident. It seems to me that my Yoga practice really applies here - the body awareness and the focus on where the energy is flowing. L does it on instinct. She goes with the board. She has no fear and is determined. She is strong.

A year or so ago, I think I would not have felt physically well enough to attempt this. Today, I feel like I could conqueror the world. As I sit and type this I feel the bruise forming on my knee, I went down hard. I ought to have a bruise on my left hip but I don't. Otherwise my muscles ache like they do after a good workout.

Maybe it is the euphoria of tackling something that I always thought I would never do and actually enjoying it to boot. I want to do it again. With more lessons, I might even be able to tackle the big hills and who knows, maybe I have found the winter sport for me.

Ironically H has tried snowboarding and found it not to his liking. Tonight in a voicemail he said, he needed his two feet in skis pointing straight and not on a board side ways.

It also helped that today was a perfect winter day. No wind, warm, bright sun shining down on us, clear blue sky like a bowl overhead.

Just a perfect day, to grab life with both hands and live the hell out of it.

Die Mauer

The wall. As a student of German, I can attest to the fact that the idea of divisiveness and Walls is a common theme in post WWII literature. The country was literally divided in half, with a wall which stretched for miles and miles. Across Europe it was called the Iron Curtain. In Germany it was physically a wall or a fence.

In high school, I was in Germany after the Wall came down 11.11.89. My school group was in Berlin in the summer 1990. We walked through the "no man's land." We sat on top of the Wall. We drew pictures and wrote our names on the Wall. Then we took a hammer we had bought in a general store and a small chisel and proceeded to cut out chunks of the wall. I brought home two large chunks and some smaller pieces. I gave them to some friends and I have two large chunks tucked away with my momentos. It is cheap concrete and it is a piece of history.

At 16 or maybe I was 17, I was part of history in a tangible way. I was standing in the Alexander Platz a place less than 6 months ago, I would never have been able to go to. I had seen it in grainy educational film strips. I was standing under the tower the Communist had used to spy on the West. Me. A girl from Central Ohio.

I was seeing things most Americans had only read about, seeing what many Europeans had only read about. I was standing in a free country, a soon to be reunified country. I was standing in a place Ronald Regan had only dreamed of standing in, when he demanded that the Russian President "tear down this wall."

I was breathing history. We are all breathing history, but in this case, it felt alive to me in a way it had never felt before. I felt my very standing in the Alexanderplatz, my walk through No man's land, was history in the making.

We also lucked out and were able to see the Roger Walters show (Pink Floyd) the Wall at the Wall. I have a T-shirt. That rock opera means so much more, when it is performed at the Wall. The music takes on a mystical quality for me. Today looking over lyrics for my Facebook post, I felt that familiar chill. So many young people coming to Berlin to hear music and celebrate freedom.

I have never really taken that freedom for granted. I have always known that with freedom comes amazing responsibility. Berlin is a city with many scars. A city once divided, the place where many resistance fighters were killed, hung with piano wire, the home of a once thriving cafe culture, with many gay performers of the 20s rounded up by Nazis and sent away. Berlin has remains of bombed churches to help us remember, the horrible things we do to one another.

I will admit, I think more of the wall should have remained in Berlin. As an example of what can happen, when people put power over common sense, fear over love and to remind us that - sometimes in great darkness springs forth a light. It is not a political statement, but I truly believe that freedom will always find a way... Freedom is a fundamental human desire or perhaps right or a liberty. I think history will show that a fence can be built and eventually, people will find a way over or around it.

I remember that day, sitting on the wall, looking at the city, once divided. I hoped then as I hope today, that we learned a lesson and that nothing like that happens again in my lifetime.

Because its not just another brick in the wall...

Lost and Found

May I just say it has been a day? H left this morning early for a trip and he grumbled last night he was staying in Chicago at Loft A. I asked him what that was and he said he had no idea. I suggested it might be an overflow hanger at the air port, he told me not to give anyone any ideas.

So we were up early, him dashing off to catch a flight and me dealing with a sick E and a distraught L. E came home from school with a hurting ear and he was up in the night for support care and snuggles. L has been missing her most treasured possession, Babalicious, her bunny. The bunny with a hole in its ear and who is more gray than white. She went missing over the weekend and we have not been able to find her.

So I dressed the three of us, managed a breakfast and then we took a trip to the neighborhood park before school to see if she was there. No rabbit. So we went to school, while I held for the pediatrician's office, securing a 9:30 am appointment. I went into school with her and we pawed thru an impressive collection of sweatshirts and jackets, but there was no little bunny.

Seeing as I had not brushed my hair nor put on make-up, thinking I could come home after the bunny recon mission, I looked a site as we arrived at the pediatrician's office. I will say at least I had on a nice pair of capris and a sharp black 3/4th length sleeve sweater. I was not in old Yoga pants and one of H's T-shirts.

The new doctor with the practice saw us and confirmed my suspicions, ear infection in BOTH ears. Ugh.

So armed with a script for antibiotics we stopped at WalMart to get my mother some tube socks. She is in a walking boot, that goes to her knew, given her broken foot and nearly sprained ankle. She needs the socks to keep her foot warm and prevent any rubbing and chafing of the boot.

Then to her house, where I gave her the socks and parked E on her sofa. I took her list and was off to pharmacy, and two groceries.

For reasons I do not understand the antibiotic was free at Kroger. I did not ask questions, I just smiled and nodded.

Went back to my moms, fed us all lunch, watched some tv and snuggled E and then off we went, coming home.

Once home E wanted to nap, so I got him settled looked at the clock and well hell it was almost time to go get L from school. Ugh.

So I swallowed my pride and with grace and humility called my neighbor, who agreed to pick up L. Whew. I then called school and let them know of the change.

Then I made the executive decision to be truly needy and called my other neighbor who takes dance lessons at the same place as L at the same time. She agreed to take L to dance lessons. I just could not see having E there for an hour while he is feeling poorly. On a good day he is a handful during this hour.

Then I just got them tucked in and I am going to bake a cake.

The best part of today? After in little windows of opportunity, I have been combing the house searching for this ratty rabbit. While packing E's suitcase for the trip to grandpa and grandma's this weekend, I move his blanket and low and behold in a basket snuggled up with E's puppy is Babalicious. We were roaming the park this morning, while she slept peacefully all covered up and warm.

So in the midst of seeming chaos, my mom got to spend some time with E and I learned that I really do need to just ask for help when I need it and if you look long and hard enough, what is lost will be found, where you least expect it.

Grandma and Grandpa

My maternal grandparents passed away about 18 months apart. My grandfather while I was in Germany the summer of 1990 and my grandmother, the fall of my freshman year of college, October 1991.

They were known and respected in the community and I remember there being a fair number of people at the calling hours as well as friends of my aunt and my mother. Lots of flowers. My grandparents gardened and everyone knew they liked flowers.

Some people gave planters for both funerals.

To say my mother has a black thumb is to be very generous. She tries, but I have seen more poor plants at her house. After the funerals she had an influx of plants. Some of them slowly went back to school with me.

So that is how I ended up with the palms, which H and I have dubbed "Grandma" and "Grandpa." I have nurtured these plant until they are taller than H, mind you they were small table top plants when we got them.

I had them in my apartment in college. My roommate/BFF and I dressed one up for Hanuka one year (our very own Hanuka bush.) I lent one to H, when he first moved to Columbus, while we were dating, so that he could green up his apartment.

While this is a story in and of itself, the real story is, well they are sprouting... seriously. I noticed it the other morning while I was enjoying my tea on the back porch. (It is important to note, that Grandma and Grandpa spend the summer on the deck and the winter in the basement by a sunny winter, because they are too tall for any other room, beside my attic office and well H is a strapping lad, but there is an extent to just how far he can carry these trees.)

At first I thought it was an insect on the trunk, and then I thought maybe the bark was peeling, the bump was curious. Then I noticed, something was growing out of the bump and sure enough, both Grandma and Grandpa had bumps and they are both sprouting, a branch. Actually Grandma is sprouting in more than one place.

My plants have been steadily growing, each year getting taller and now they are getting wider and taking on a new direction. It is exciting. Just like life takes a new direction from time, so our my plants. Sometimes we all go out on a limb, and apparently my trees of remembrance are also going out on a limb - or rather are growing a limb.

Music on my Ipod

Hang 10

Ten years ago today - a Saturday - I was dressed in jeans and H's flannel shirt, my chin length light blond/brown hair in hot rollers - H's boots on - and I was.... shoveling the driveway! It was my wedding day. We had had a winter storm like none other. We had canceled the rehearsal and had pizza with our friends in the living room of our tiny house. Now I was shoveling so we could get out of the drive and make our way to the church.

J and her husband. H's mom had come from Cleveland with J and her husband.S in from Maine. In on the last flight into CMH I think. A few other friends at our house for the rehearsal. My mom and bro stayed safe and warm on the other side of town. No need to risk the 30 minute drive in the ice and snow. JS called, she and her husband were stuck in Maryland, the interstate was closed.

So there I was, shoveling the drive way. Having lived with H for well over 2 years at this point, bought a house and car together, I decided to get traditional and make him sleep in a hotel and not see me until I walked down the eile all dressed in white.

When H gave me the ruby circled in diamonds, he promised me a life of adventure. He promised to love me and walk beside me. And here we are 10 years later. So much has changed. And here we are - together...

We have had two babies and lost one. We have added friends to our circle, kept many and some have drifted off - no longer in close contact but never far from our thoughts. We have traveled near and far. We have each changed careers. Both living our passion and pursuing our dreams.

Sadly we have buried his mother. We stood by her in her struggle and gave her what she wanted. She wanted to be in her own bed when she passed onto the other side and we did that for her as a team.

We have been at a crossroads and to the edge a few times. But each time we have grabbed the others hand and made the choice to change course together - it has been an adventure. No day like the day before.

We have both grown up and changed and struggled.

It is hard to believe that the sweet goofy guy, who was knocking on my dorm door freshman year, to see my roommate is now the man I kiss good-bye as he leaves to fly a multi million dollar airliner and I am sure he never imagined that the shy and bookish girl who answered the door and politely told him her roommate was not in, would be the woman who is writing professionally now and dreaming of one day seeing her book in Barnes and Noble. Who is presiding over the house.

I am sure he would tell that he anticipated my scary food issues. Afterall I am the woman, who when we met and ate together in the dinning hall, who ate only things out of bowls. I will never forget the day he asked me in all seriousness, "Do you ever eat anything off a plate?"

It has been an adventure. It is an adventure. I hope it remains forever an adventure.

We got married the day after a HUGE snow storm. The snow plows where plowing the run ways at our wedding reception - I have pictures. But as with any storm, the sun rises again and there is true beauty to be beheld. (We are going away together this weekend and yep you guest it - forecast - Wintery mix with possibility for 3 to 5 inches of snow...)

Nothing could be more true. We have had hard times. The edge can be scary, but each time we have turned to each other and smiled and there is the sunny day. Sometimes our storms have been fiercy but then the sunny day comes with its brightness and there is peace and tranquility and great beauty.

I will not even presume to predict what the next years hold... other than to say that it will be an adventure - just like he promised.

Rules of the Pool

Today L and I had a special mommy and me day. E had his last day of school before winter break. It was his holiday party and movie day. So L and I ran errands and picked the crafts for her tea party next week - then we went to the indoor pool at the rec center. (I had rallied hard for the conservatory but she was dead set on the pool.)

The pool really is nice. Large and with 2 slides. One baby slide and one big kid slide. The big kid slide requires that you be 42" tall and able to pass a swim test or over 48" tall and no swim test! Very simple - so between 42" and 48" you have to pass the test.

L wanted to do the big slide! I did not think she would be tall enough, but she climbed up the steps and low and behold down she came. Happy as a clam. She did the slide no less than 10 times before the the rest period. After rest period and the life guard shift, she climbs the stairs only to come down in tears. The new life guard felt she was not tall enough. (Hello her hair is wet....and flat to her head and the last time she had dry hair.) She is distraught for being denied what she had just done. I climb up the steps with her and got attitude. So not his problem.

So I marched us to the pool managers office. I was not taking issue with the rule - IT IS A GOOD RULE! But I was taking issue with the haphazard way it was being applied. There should be safe guards in place to ensure that all the guards are enforcing the rule in the same way. There should be a wet hair or dry hair allowance. Or the kids have to be clearly an inch over 48". Some safe guard. I get that it is a judgement call, but there are ways to ensure that everyone is making a seemingly uniform judgement. (Mgmt 101)

Like I explained the the pool manager - I take no issue with the rule on its face. I take issue that L is seeing people in positions of authority applying the rule in a haphazard way. It is unfair and creates situations where she feel she cannot trust those around her in positions of authority to act in a reliable and principled manner. To be allowed to do something and then 15 minutes later be denied the same privilege is unacceptable in my mind.

The manager agreed. She is just tall enough or just a tad under and she can swim - so she was allowed to proceed. But I could tell she felt confused and let down.

I hope the manager takes the time to express my concern to the life guards. It seems like no big deal, but in reality it really is a big deal!

I would submit that this is an issue in society at large! We as a culture tend to be selective in rule enforcement. I think it is important to be flexible and judge certain things on a case by case basis - but there is also something to be said for being principled and consistent in rule enforcement.

It's no Boogie...

I know next to nothing about golf. One year at work I rallied long and hard to be included in the annual golf outing. Not becasue I enjoy golf or wanted to golf per se - but I felt and feel it is wrong to exclude anyone from an all office event. It either is an all office event or it is not.... my colleague got paid to golf on a Wednesday well damn straight I am too....

Back on topic...

PGA golfer J. P. Hayes is a stand up guy. He is a man of principles and integrity. He played in a PGA event with an unapproved ball. He also broke the PGA rule of playing a game with same ball - or brand of ball. He owned up to the violation and it will likely cost him a season's worth of play.

Why do I care and why should you? Because HE DID THE RIGHT THING... He made an error and broke some rules. Not on purpose, not cheating or being underhanded - but an honest mistake. Even still the rules are the rules and he took responsiblity for his actions. He did not point the finger at his caddie or blame someone else. He is CEO of his game and as such is ultimately responsible for his actions. He acted with HONOR. An astonishingly infrequently occurrence.

J.P. I am sorry to say I do not know you. I do not follow golf and had not heard of you before now. But I will say this to you... Thank You! Thank your for demonstrating the type of values and sportsmanship and ethics I am trying to teach my kids. You had alot on the line and YET you did the right thing. You stood up and accepted responsiblity for your actions and in an era where executives who make millions fail to be concerned with any of those things - values and ethics mainly instead choosing to focus mostly on their own personal bottom lines - I say thank you.

I will also say this. I live very near one of the Spring PGA events and you are welcome to come over for a drink and some refreshments - my way of saying thank you. I have handed out some tough criticisms here on Thoughts from the Edge - but when I see someone doing the RIGHT thing - well I think that ought to be honored as well. So the cake is on me!

Dark Clouds on Wall Street

Today is a bad day in the Market. Well maybe not a bad day, but a painful one. The financial markets can be manipulated for only so long and then the Market will turn and expect its due.

I spoke to my friend and investment counselor and former colleague this morning. She was having a rough day and it was only 10:15 am. My former employer is being bought by Bank of America. Actually I think it is a good move for both parties, for BOA it is a great way to get into some big time playing fields on the cheap cheap. For ML, well it is preferable to going under completely. Which to be frank, was a real possibility in my opinion.

Lehman filed bankruptcy. The guys and gals who ran it into the ground, well they are sipping Mai Thai's and loving their windfall via their golden parachutes. The everyday back office Lehman employee, they are watching their retirement disappear down the toilet. Like in monopoly - "Down the Toilet, straight down the Toilet, Do not pass GO, Down the Toilet."

You can talk all you want about a shift in the financial landscape, hard times and the like but the bottom line is - people got greedy. Guys who had limited risk in the game wanted just a little bit more and well the rest of us pay. What many people do not know is that most executives and certainly those on Wall Street, the guy in the big corner office has some insurance in his or her back pocket. It is a golden parachute and he is covered. Why not gamble just a bit more, if you have no risk of lose. When things get bad, you dump and run and or get your buddy to ASK you to step down and you walk away with HUGE severance package.

The average employee at Lehman will be lucky to walk away with their 401K plan account and maybe some COBRA to cover their medical insurance (all paid out of their own pocket.) For those long term employees, the seasoned floor traders, back office processors and the clerical staff, who were close to retirement - kiss it good bye folks. Bankruptcy means that if Lehman pulls it out and can exit bankruptcy, it does so without the obligation to pay medical and pension benefits to existing retirees and the pension - dumped - a thing of the past - all those hopes wiped out in one little legal filing.

I have been feeling sorta bad about walking away from my license and a career that was rather lucrative for me. It could have been more so, if I had been willing to step it up and take it to the next level. Today brought it all back into perspective for me. Sure I made a good living and well it was fun sometimes closing the big deal - but at the end of the day - it is a dirty industries, with a dark underbelly and lots of pit falls. The time required of me to be away from my kids is too much of a cost for the potential reward. While my loyalty had a price - Wall Street is far from a good gamble. Clearly as is the case with Lehman - my loyalty and the loyalty of others is a one way street - when the times are tough - the FIRM will dump and run. And for what - a gamble? Bad Business? Greedy Big Shots?

I think Merrill is doing the right thing. The deal with BOA means that ML will remain solvent and those long term employees will be protected. My advice to the person considering that early retirement offer - jump on it baby. Take what you can while the getting is good! You can always find a part time job or something to fill in the gaps - cuz Wall Street owes you nothing and your loyalty - Yeah that and $3.50 will get you some Starbucks.

Artistic realization

This is a combo recap of two seperate conversations I have had with L in the last say 7 days.

L: I see pictures in my head

ME: I do too. Isn't it amazing?

L: Yes and then I draw them.

ME: I write about them

So tonight....

L: I dream about art all the time, picture and crafts and colors.

ME: Well I do too and sometimes I daydream about them also.

L: I dream about them all the time and then I see myself drawing them or painting them or making them. It is so cool. You know?

ME: Yes I write them instead. I use words to draw the pictures.

L: Well maybe when I learn to write I can do that. (Long pause) Hey momma, when are you going to learn how to draw?

She was serious too. I cannot draw worth spit. Good thing I seem to be able to write.

What I love about these exchanges is that she sees herself as a creative being. She is very much in touch with that part of herself. I need to keep her focused on that. At 6 she is realizing her artistic potential and she sees that the thoughts in her head do come out on the paper in front of her. Fully realizing her artistic gift is a huge blessing. It took me 33 years to realize mine.

Hopeful realism

We had no trouble finding the doctors office and we got checked in, went to wait and they took us right away. Answered like a million questions from the nurse and then saw Dr. Rand his research fellow Dr. G. We spoke with him for a long time. (like over an hour...)

He took a history and then looked at film, took the CDroms - and was going to get her OR slides and all that jazz.

We have three basic choices and he views his role as educated adviser. He can offer his opinion and guidance but mom is in the drivers seat. Only she can say what she is willing and able to endure.

The bottom line is the conventional treatment is not working. Her scans indicate that there is uptake of the Radiative Iodine - but that it is not having its intended effect. It should shrink or stop the tumor from growing. So it is absorbing the chemical - but the chemical is not having the intending consequence. The tumor is also taking up the glucose or sugar injected during the PET scan - which means the tumor is active and growing. Not a good sign. The Iodine should stop or slow the metabolic activity at the cellular level.

So we have three basic choices. We can do nothing (this one is hands down not recommended because the other two have a reasonable good success rate.)

Option A - Do an inpatient and concentrated dose of radioactive iodine. They can target the tumors metabolically better. This has some major possible side effects and could damage her bone marrow or lungs. There are ways to mitigate those side affects but they also limit the effectiveness of the treatment. This is the general next step - but since Mom has already had a reasonably large dose of Radioactive Iodine, his feeling is we may want to save this until we really need it - and since it has been marginally ineffective before is it really the next step? He will know more once he has a chance to really study her file.

Option B - Test out and enter a trail of some Chemo - in pill form. They have some great new stuff on the market and just shy of coming to market drugs - which are exciting and seem to be effective - many of them have been approved for Kidney cancer but seem to have the same desired effected or at least desirable effect in thyroid cancer. The general feeling is these will slow the growth of the tumors for a unspecified period of time - then for reasons not yet known, somehow the tumor mutates and the treatment ceases to work. This tends to happen quickly.

The bonus is she does have a form of thyroid cancer(follicular) which is treatable. There is an extremely aggressive form - to which there is very little to be done. So while there is a form of thyroid cancer which moves like a speeding bullet train - Mom's is more like honey on a a fall day, slow moving.

He did explain that while there are treatments there is no cure. That we have made it him means we have past the point of cure. That it has spread post thyriodectomy means we are seeking an extension of quality and quantity of life. For many patients it can be 5-10-15 years before the treatment ceases to be effective. In others less than 5. In some cases even more than that. Each year brings new advances and new treatments. That is hard to hear - but then he says the interesting thing about thyroid cancer - more than just about any other one - is that for every patient it is different.

So he is going to get with his team and review her films and history - take a look at the blood work and then we can get back together again!

She has a rare disease and and happens to live in a city with one of the only research centers for it. That is a blessing. While there is no magic bullet - it is nice to know that her disease can be studied and her experiences can lead them to new discoveries.

Overall I am impressed with his knowledge and his willingness to be candid and frank. He is clearly smart and I think the chain yanking and teeth pulling was so worth it to get into see him. He is out of network for Mom's insurance and it was a circus getting approval for this office visit.

Mom will be with us for a while I think and I know she is motivated within reason to keep on keeping on! It is a blessing that she will be moving closer - so that we can spend the time together. I also think if I can help her with the small stuff she can manage.

Overall it was a positive day - but I am very tired nonetheless. It is draining trying to keep up with the medical speak and the office hopping. Mom was tired too.

So that was us as we left the hospital complex. Hopeful, realistic and tired!

It is still here....

You know you have been blogging for awhile, when you forget if you have covered a topic already or not and frankly I am not going back thru all my blogs to see if I have or not.

My mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer when L was a newborn. She had a thryiodectomy and then a 2 courses of radioactive iodine (which makes her glow in the dark - well not really but she is radioactive for a bit of time.) Then she went on synthetic thyroid hormone maintenance meds and that is supposed to be it.

Two years ago before she had surgery to correct some deterioration of her 4th and 5th cervical vertebrae, the pre op x-rays detected some spots in her lungs. Then came the MRI and then the PET scan.After she recovered from the surgery - she once again did some radioactive iodine. (After many many tests and lengthy doctor visits and some turf waring....)

Well the day glow cocktail did not work - and we are faced with not only did it not kill off the tissues first discovered - yeah well there is more, which has come to join the party. This is not the news we were hoping for in the least. The cancer cells are in the area of the body where the wind pipe splits and the bronchial tubes branch off into the lungs. Surgery is not an option and it is not the best place to have extra tissue and cells laying around - clogging up the works.

So we are off to a super specialist at OSU Medical Center. The correct direction is forward but sometimes I just want to throw things at who ever thinks this is a good idea. I happen to think my mother has been thru enough and has control of her blood pressure and her diabetes and is entitled to some peace and quiet as she nears retirement. She is entitled to relaxing with her grandbabies.

But we all know life is not fair! Not in the least and the challenges presented to us can be met with a panic attack or with grace! I am praying for grace! It is baby steps and the next big step is figuring out where to park at OSU when we go see the specialist!

Got Glitter....

I do again. This time on the left side and this time a smaller stud. I was missing my glitter so I went for it again. For all the same reasons. My glitter is an expression of who I am and what I want for my life. I am artistic and expressive and just a bit alternative.

I think I shocked the guy whose studio I visited. I look very mainstream and good girl and well I am that, but I am also a poet and a writer and a free thinker. I am not defined by someone elses standards I am defined by my own. For me - my outward expression of that is some body adornment in the form of glitter - for others it is a tattoo - ink.

Creative self expression - ideals I am hoping to pass on.

Creativity focused

L is a big creative force in a small package. She loves to draw and paint and color and sing and dance. She is a high energy girl. I sometimes struggle to keep her creativity focused and to further her inspiration!

I have recently found some great crafts which we can do together. We recently made this poncho and just started this purse yesterday. It is sometimes slow going - but so worthwhile. Good mother daughter time and a great way to focus her creative spirit.

I also recently found a great game for her to keep her mind busy! Rush Hour Jr. is like a puzzle game for one.

Here's to a great summer!

Mind Body Connection

It has been awhile since I have reflected on the mind body connection. I am still not eating alot of things, and have been at the encouragement of a friend experimenting and trying to add some new foods to my regimen. My menu is limited but in a good way I find for the most part. I certainly do not fall prey to any of these big time traps and I honestly have always likes fruits and veggies and rice. So it is all good.

For the last month or so, I have been feeling a bit out of whack. I feel fine in a general sense, but after learning to listen to my body I very much sense when something is wrong. My body tells me what it needs and it is my job to listen. My personal trainer is a huge fan and vocal advocate for watching for body language. He believes in our power to heal ourselves by being mindful, eating right and developing life long fitness goals.

My natural physician is the same. He believes in supporting our bodies and listening to our bodies. He likes to strive for balance and limit intervention.

So after listening to my body and deciding something was out of balance, I went to visit my doctor today and we talked and at first he was thinking we would just watch and see if my body decided to communicate in a more direct way. Then he did some scanning - which is more or less a conversation - some bio feedback if you will and decided that no my body was communicating clearly and now I am going to take some supplements to see if I cannot quietly support my body as it strives to heal and find balance again.

Ok so now I know most of you are running off screaming that I have lost my mind, but have I? I went to no less than 6 MDs when I was plagued with yeast infects, random rashes, fatigue, crazy upset stomachs and none of them could figure out what was bothering me. They could treat the symptoms with cream that cost an arm and leg and they could vaguely say maybe I was allergic to something and refer me to an allergist with a massive waiting list.

Thru some muscle testing, my homeopathic doctor isolated the foods I was sensitive too and in 2 weeks, I was feeling like a million dollars. Does that mean I think MDs are bad - not at all. My mom is seeing a top shelf endocrinologists who had drastically improved the quality of her life! They are managing her metastatic thyroid disease beautifully, not to mention her diabetes and high blood pressure.

When I have an infection - like ear or throat, I go see my wonderful MD, who does not get the homeopathic stuff but is happy with my commitment to my overall health and well being.

I think MDs are great - especially those who specialize in putting us back together. My goal however is head the big stuff off at the pass. My gene pool sucks frankly and therefore I am dedicated to being as healthy as I can be for as long as I can be. I would rather not in my 60s be visiting the top shelf and rather young endocrinologist! I would rather not be cultivating a relationship with a oncologist. It is a gamble, but not eating pizza is a gamble I am willing to take!

I am the mom who loved to run and play and climb with my kids. I am the mom who runs half marathons and bikes with an extra 100 pounds in the trailer. I am the mom who organizes fantastic outings. I am the mom who is mindful that what she eats impacts her and that her body will tell her exactly what it needs - if only she listens.

I am the woman who is investing in herself, striving for a long and active life, hoping to be strong and vibrant for years to come. The human body is a great invention, which we fail, I think, to give enough time and attention to.

I decided becasue...

I have been thinking recently about how I make choices. Most people would say I am deceive and I can be. Easy stuff is easy. Chicken on sale - great we are having that for dinner. Done! I can get dressed in five minutes - generally able to decide very fast what I am going to wear. Done.

The bigger choices are really harder for me. I have many times made a choice by deciding what I did not want. I call this the ruling things out method. I rather settled on my major and college that way. I knew I did not want to spend my life in a windowless lab - so chemistry and biological sciences were out. I am good at math but did not want to mess with no real numbers or the 4th dimension or whatever. So then I began working through the subjects I liked and narrowed it down from there. For instance, I like children but a room full of them scare the bejeezes out of me - so teaching was out. Maybe high school I always thought, but then decided a room full of attitude would make me nuts, so I ruled it out.

I have used this method of decision making on and off for years. I am not sure it is the best method.

I also have felt over the years I have had to defend or justify my reasons for deciding something. In some circumstances that is reasonable - in others not so much. In professional situations I can see the value of outline the decision making process or offering supportive arguments to back up a given course of action. Otherwise I think it is ok to just decide and move forward. I am not good at that. I worry about criticism or I worry about what people will think and well I worry.

I am committing to myself that I am going to try and break this habit. I can want what I want and I am old enough to decide what I am going to go for or after and it is my choice and I am am just going to go for it. I need not defend those choices or justify them or rationalize. I am a smart, sane woman. I am a thinker. I will make the right choice for me and what others think is not an issue. What I think is important.

An extra 100 plus pounds is alot already...

Today L, E and I took our first bike ride of the season. I say we, but in reality, they ride in the trailer or as my German friends call it, the caboose and I ride, dragging them along behind me.

Now I am not complaining because I love the rides. It is so much fun and very freeing to be able to get around town on the trails, there are so many great little hidden parks and paths. I cross trained and well honestly trained for the 1/2 marathon dragging them all over town. At the beginning of last spring I could barely make it to the library with them in tow and by the end of last summer I was coasting all over town, for miles and miles.

So while it is all good - I must say that over the winter - some little people have put on some pounds because the extra 100 pounds - well it seems a bit heavier and we are just getting into the beginning of bike season. Wow, I think I am going to have to add an extra workout to feed my biking habit. Or wait - maybe I can get the city commissioners to regrade a few of the steeper hills around town - I mean really it is a small thing to ask, right?