Balance...

Something I am seeking and not finding in abundance of late. School is wearing on me. I am tired. My brain is tired. The freelance work is not what I would like and I have decided to put a hold on it for a bit. I really want to focus on creative works and my poetry.

The way I see it - I have 18 months or so, before I am done with my MBA and able to realistically think about full-time employment again - either contract work or being a company gal again, so I ought to use my time to finish school, enjoy the little people and write my great American novel.

While I might look to intern or something in an area that interests me, I am done chasing my tail and making no money. I can make no money- while writing my novel and that feeds my soul - the former just bleeds off brain cells and makes me cranky.

Not to mention L is having her tonsils removed this summer and between that and her handful of camps - it is unlikely I can tackle any projects of substance anyway...

Writers block

Well not really. But I think it is decision time... for 18 months I have been building a portfolio and trying to develop a business plan - to make writing pay. And I have been paid. I really and truly have and I also have written and not gotten paid.

I have taken on some writing for a new magazine and something hit me... this is not what I want to be doing. I do not want to be spending a half an hour on the phone trying to get someone to talk to me about where to Salsa in Columbus, so that I can write a 200 word story and get paid $X if they publish and $Y if they kill. Seriously - that is less than than p cents a word and trust me I charge my corporate clients way more than that.

Now I like the exposure... but it comes at a price and the REAL price of late is that of my true passion - my kiddos and my novel and my poetry.

The bottom line is when E is in school full time- my plan is to be A) be published or B) utilizing my MBA and making some real money OR both. A friend used to say I was selling myself short and I used to counter that I was paying my dues.

This week I think I have finally decided I am selling myself short.

My goal is not to be a magazine author or editor. I have no real desire to be a journalist. I like writing marketing copy, curriculum, training materials and business documents - like white and gray papers and grants. That is what I want to do professionally - not chase Zumba instructors and write about Sakitinis.... unless of course I am writing menu descriptions of Sakitinis - then perhaps that is different.

And what I really want to do is write poetry and fiction for a living - but I am doubtful that that will ever really pay.

So the big thing for me - I have to decide what to do - because frankly I am burning myself out. I really and truly am. I was jazzed writing poetry for the Nake Sunfish this week and my upcoming workshop at Kenyon this summer. I am jazzed writing personal essays.

I also am feeling myself sinking into my normal trap of doing what I think is practical verses what I WANT TO BE DOING and well - it has made me pissy!

I went tonight to a poetry round table and read my work to other poets and songwriters and I made them cry and laugh and my work moved them. This is why I choose to be a writer.

I want to make an impact! I want to move people... I never went into writing to make money - I think I can make money writing and I have - but I think it is time to be choosier about the projects I take on... cuz if I am not feeling it - how can I possibly make others feel anything either - I am good but not that good.

I like writing the business blog and I even liked writing about chairs, I generally have enjoyed writing the MBA papers...

But I know in my heart - I am not a news hound and I know I am done selling myself for cheap... I would rather write a my novel and make nothing until I sell it - than feel the way I felt writing about salsa dancing... there is no passion as I write that story and yet I worked on my short story last night for the Washington Post contest with much passion and enthusiasm.

I have talent... the trick I think is to make sure I am developing the talent I like and not the talent I think will make me money... I can get a straight job with my MBA - I want my passion and my craft to be about an accurate expression of me...and my world view... I want to write right.

Going...

I have had a great summer, a challenging summer, a complicated summer, a busy summer. Any of those statements is true - the reality is I have had a great challenging complicated busy summer.

True on many levels. As a mom of 2 busy kiddos - busy and great.

As a business owner - challenging and complicated.

As an artist - busy and great and challenging.

As a woman - all of the above and then some.

Sometimes I get lost in the process of my life. I am surrounded by needy (I do not mean this negatively) folks. L and E need me. My mother has and is undergoing 2 great life changes - moving (done - check - yipee) and she is coping with the fact that here time on this earth has a reasonably finite end. Cancer is curable - hers is not.

I am coping with that also. As her daughter....

I also tend to put everyone else first. I have gotten lost. What do I want exactly? Where am I going. What are my goals. I want my business to do well, but that is a slow process. I have been very focused on setting it up - creating a frame work, building some creditability and now the 4th quarter I am starting to pursue projects once again.

I have thrown my hat into the ring to step out of my previous professional role and try something new - leveraging many of the skills I had from my previous position(s) in a new and different way. It would be a contract position and I like the idea of a short term position - a great way to test something out and add something to my resume.

I also like the idea of versatility. I like the idea of economic flexibility. I crave options.

I have also taken a HUGE step and am going to finish my MBA. I can do it in less than a year. A series of 10 6 week classes - taken one at time and online. Perfect for me. No babysitting required.

There has been a series of events which have pushed me to break out of my holding pattern and finally take back the helm of my own ship. I am the Capitian and the Mistress of my Destiny and it is up to me to LIVE my life.

My best friend said it best...

"And I quote....from YOUR BLOG: "Life is really short. I mean really short. When great moments come along - Live them, because once they pass you by - they are gone forever."

Why only live the great moments....aren't all moments meant to be lived to their fullest?! I'm just saying, take your own advice and make all the moments worth living however you need to do so. "

It was the kick in the pants I really needed. I had been sulky and struggling and feeling cornered a bit and overwhelmed too I guess. And yet it is an easy choice - live life or pretend to live life. Develop a plan and execute it or not...

While I think I will be one busy girl over the next 12 months... I feel very positive about it. It is what I need to do get to the NEXT chapter in my life.

The Universe Smilied

So yesterday was the first day in a long long time that I worked almost all day. Well from 10-2:30 pm on my business. This had been the plan when we put E in preschool all day, but alas this entire summer, something else happened on either Tuesday or Thursday. I am not really looking for an entire 8 hours - I will take 5 or 6 hours of uninterrupted work time.

I also took some time to work on some personal admin items and this included poking around for better accommodations whilst on vacation, which is 3 weeks away.

We are heading on vacation with my mother on the emphatic advice of both her doctors. We are going to Jekyll Island which is an island off the coast of Georgia, roughly the size of the Short North. Given the late nature of our planning we had secured two very small rooms at the Days Inn.

Now there are a number of problems with this. No kitchen and given my food issues, I cannot just eat anything. I have been obsessing over this for weeks. Size. Two small children stuck in a small hotel room - sounds more like hell than vacation. Noise - there is a large convention there that week and the Days Inn, we stayed at before and well noise was a serious problem.

So I have been meaning to call the two Island rental agencies to see about a condo or cottage, but well I have not had the time or I have had the time and they are closed for the day.

I called yesterday. The first one had nothing. I mean nothing. My heart sank a bit.

I called the second one.

They had one. Not just one. One of the nicest houses on the island. It is on the beach. It has exactly what need - including a kitchen and WiFi (ok I do not need WiFi - but I sure as hell like the fact that I have it....) it has 5 bedrooms (way too many but I will take too many over not enough.)

It is a bit pricey, but if what the doctors say is true - this may be one of the last vacations we can all take together. I want it to be full of happy memories and happy times and I want it to peaceful and rejuvenating. It has been a long summer for my mother. She has moved, she has been told that the cancer everyone in the beginning thought was no BIG DEAL. Is in fact a HUGE DEAL.

My best friends J's dad died yesterday. Her mother died a few years ago - Life is really short. I mean really short. When great moments come along - Live them, becasue once they pass you by - they are gone forever.

We took the house. I am excited for the kids to have space to roam. The adults to have space to be and think and rest. Ocean view and ocean noise.

I am sure there will be tense moments - there always are when little people and big people get out of their element - but I feel way better about have room for tense to diffuse!

I am so thankful for having the time to call at the RIGHT time and finding what I want wanted. Feels like someone was looking out for me!

Creativity focused

L is a big creative force in a small package. She loves to draw and paint and color and sing and dance. She is a high energy girl. I sometimes struggle to keep her creativity focused and to further her inspiration!

I have recently found some great crafts which we can do together. We recently made this poncho and just started this purse yesterday. It is sometimes slow going - but so worthwhile. Good mother daughter time and a great way to focus her creative spirit.

I also recently found a great game for her to keep her mind busy! Rush Hour Jr. is like a puzzle game for one.

Here's to a great summer!

Here I am

I have not been blogging as much as I used to- since I am busy writing and getting paid. The most recent edition of Columbus Living is out and it looks oh so spiffy. Check it out. I do like writing for them and while getting paid to write is huge, talking with so many inspiring and committed business owners is so exciting.

Much is made of small business owners - especially during an election year. I however have more experience and exposure to corporations - from my time with Firm X. I think it is so energizing to hear about a small business owner's vision and drive. The same is true for the locally owned smaller corporations.

I think there is something infectious about passion. That energizing force that pushes some people forward. There is a special inner drive, which sets them apart. I think it is part vision, part means, part opportunity and part desire. Mixed in is confidence and inspiration and a can do spirit.

So I am going the same direction - I am in the process of getting mu website up and running. A friend took some pictures of me - for my surprise - which I promise to unveil soon and for my website! I have a To-DO and I am working on it bit by bit!

Baby step and bit by bit I a building a busy which I enjoy and is at a pace that suits me and the little people and a job that feeds my soul verses stealing it.

Just note...

I keep a blog and I read a fair number of blogs and 2008 is all about being more productive to maximizing the time I have for writing. So clicking around to see if one of my favorite bloggers has updated their blog is not the most productive use of my time.

So I investigated and then asked a few friends and a friend suggested SAGE - which is an add on to Firefox. Love it! It is exactly what I was looking for. You can read the blogs in the consolidated format or you can click the link and go to the page - your call. I like it because - you click and the feeds update and you can tell in an instant who has updated. Saves a ton of time. In some cases you can opt for a comment feed as well - which I have done for some of the really active blogs.

The downside is - since this is an add on - it is computer specific - so I had to set it up on my desktop and my laptop, which can be a pain, but really that is a small price to pay for the ease of surfing.

This is like TiVo but for your blogs. While I do not have TiVo - which would be silly since I do not watch TV - I do have SAGE and it works like a charm. There are many more choices out there and I am sure they work just as well - but this one felt right to me and it works and I am running with it.