Thursday, December 13, 2007

13 Things I do not want for Christmas

For some reason - despite my best efforts at junk mail and catalog eradication a copy of the Brookstone - Innovations for Home and Life arrived at our house yesterday. I was flipping through it this morning while eating breakfast and this post was born!

13 Things I do not want for Christmas
1. More war - listen up GW - get out your hearing aids! No more WAR - what the HELL are we fighting for?

2. Fruitcake - yuck, yuck, yuck (while we are on the subject - no Egg Nog H - or whatever that stuff is you whip up every year - it is vile - you know, I know - Everyone knows it!)

3. Coal - I have been a very good girl this year.... now carbon that has been compressed into sparklies - Yep I will take that! (hint hint ;) )

4. Small kitchen appliances - I am not really interested in anything that makes omelets on the counter or anything that juices carrots. I am a simple girl and frankly - if it has a cord I am told it cannot go in the dishwasher - I am a big fan of the dishwasher!

5. Holiday sweaters. Hear me and commit to memory - I am not in this lifetime or the next going to wear a holiday sweater. I think it is silly! It is just me - I am not the fashion police - but I refuse to wear said sweater - thank you!

6. A bucket for the beach complete with an iPod holder, charger and speakers. (pg 45 of Brookstone catalog!) Why? I would like a little iPod... for running - but a bucket. Please? Actually that is my response to almost - well ok everything - in that crazy catalog! Why?

7. Knick knacks or trinkets - you have to dust around them - takes more time... if they are glass I have to put them up high and frankly I am out of room! I am not into clutter!

8. Spam - the canned meat (yuck - never tried it and plan to die having never had the pleasure!) or the email variety. I have had it up to my eyeballs with ads for fake rolexes, cheap prescription drugs, penny stocks and penis enhancement.

9. Maybe it is the same as SPAM - but BS I so could live without anymore BS. Any form of BS, no more BS from people who look like friends and sometimes act that way (what was that about a wolf in sheep's clothing - see I should be taking notes.) No more BS from school, just none - I want no more BS and what I would really love is a sign - big neon one - that says - "BS FREE ZONE! LEAVE YOUR BS ELSEWHERE - THANKS!"

10. Puppies or kittens (or fish, hamsters, rats, turtles....) Rarely did I agree with much my MIL thought - but on this she was right on target. Just say no to house pets. They are messy, they smell, the do other things in the house I would rather not think about. The cuteness factor is negligible. I like animals. I was a practicing vegetarian for a long time. Along with this I will say I do not want a fur coat thank you very much. Animals look good in fur - I do not - but I also do not want the live animals in my house.

11. Snow - bah humbug! I do not want any more of it - seen it - built the snowman with L. Done - lets have some 60 degree weather and sunshine in the stocking - thank you very much!

12. Hunger - I have enough to eat - but hey GW - while you are so busy doing nothing - lame duck that you are - could you do something useful and smart and compassionate and feed the hungry. That people go to bed hungry in the US - is shameful - that you have chosen to ignore it for 8 years is doubly so!

13. Pictures of Brittany (or celebrate X) doing something stupid and wasteful and tacky! While I fully support your right to privacy and yes if you choose to swim naked in your pool behind the 16 foot privacy fence - as an American or ok a human being - this is your right - but in public and this includes the grocery store, restuarant, night club, street, park, and Starbucks - please act with manners and set a good example - for better or worse you are a role model - act like - it is part of the job! (Heck I am just an aspiring author - but in public I put my best foot forwards and do my best to make my mama proud.)


IHateToast said...

electronics and sand. what were they thinking?

no more buns for you?

Susan said...

Right - water, sand and ice all near your iPod - um no thanks!

Yeah no buns - I have enough going on cannot not imagine more craziness....