Writers block

Well not really. But I think it is decision time... for 18 months I have been building a portfolio and trying to develop a business plan - to make writing pay. And I have been paid. I really and truly have and I also have written and not gotten paid.

I have taken on some writing for a new magazine and something hit me... this is not what I want to be doing. I do not want to be spending a half an hour on the phone trying to get someone to talk to me about where to Salsa in Columbus, so that I can write a 200 word story and get paid $X if they publish and $Y if they kill. Seriously - that is less than than p cents a word and trust me I charge my corporate clients way more than that.

Now I like the exposure... but it comes at a price and the REAL price of late is that of my true passion - my kiddos and my novel and my poetry.

The bottom line is when E is in school full time- my plan is to be A) be published or B) utilizing my MBA and making some real money OR both. A friend used to say I was selling myself short and I used to counter that I was paying my dues.

This week I think I have finally decided I am selling myself short.

My goal is not to be a magazine author or editor. I have no real desire to be a journalist. I like writing marketing copy, curriculum, training materials and business documents - like white and gray papers and grants. That is what I want to do professionally - not chase Zumba instructors and write about Sakitinis.... unless of course I am writing menu descriptions of Sakitinis - then perhaps that is different.

And what I really want to do is write poetry and fiction for a living - but I am doubtful that that will ever really pay.

So the big thing for me - I have to decide what to do - because frankly I am burning myself out. I really and truly am. I was jazzed writing poetry for the Nake Sunfish this week and my upcoming workshop at Kenyon this summer. I am jazzed writing personal essays.

I also am feeling myself sinking into my normal trap of doing what I think is practical verses what I WANT TO BE DOING and well - it has made me pissy!

I went tonight to a poetry round table and read my work to other poets and songwriters and I made them cry and laugh and my work moved them. This is why I choose to be a writer.

I want to make an impact! I want to move people... I never went into writing to make money - I think I can make money writing and I have - but I think it is time to be choosier about the projects I take on... cuz if I am not feeling it - how can I possibly make others feel anything either - I am good but not that good.

I like writing the business blog and I even liked writing about chairs, I generally have enjoyed writing the MBA papers...

But I know in my heart - I am not a news hound and I know I am done selling myself for cheap... I would rather write a my novel and make nothing until I sell it - than feel the way I felt writing about salsa dancing... there is no passion as I write that story and yet I worked on my short story last night for the Washington Post contest with much passion and enthusiasm.

I have talent... the trick I think is to make sure I am developing the talent I like and not the talent I think will make me money... I can get a straight job with my MBA - I want my passion and my craft to be about an accurate expression of me...and my world view... I want to write right.

Wow - I am a real writer now...

So, about a month ago, I applied to the Kenyon Review's summer workshop. I submitted some prose and some of my poems and thought - well let's see what happens. I had seen their ad in the Poets & Writers Magazine.

I got in! Yep! I was accepted to the program. I will be spending a week this summer working on my poetry. I am thrilled really!

Further proof that I am a real writer - I am going to read at an open mic night in March... kinda scared about that one - but going for it anyway.

And the last tiny bit of evidence?

I was invited to a Read-A-Loud with the online journal I have had published some short fiction with! That will be in April.

I am feeling warm and bubbly. It is amazing when you pursue your passion and realize a dream!

All I can say is thank you...

This one is for SS & JS - your gifts are without measure.

How can this be?
Because it is she says to me

Because it is, like the starlight
and your Power buried deep within burning bright

Given courage you will rise above
conquering it all with love

When you stop hiding
cease to believe the mirrored lying

Then you too will see
what is truly meant to be

It is not for me to say
Life does not unfold that way

It is not a story to be rewritten
but rather a chance to sculpt what you are given

Courage is all it takes
for a masterpiece to take shape