Writers block

Well not really. But I think it is decision time... for 18 months I have been building a portfolio and trying to develop a business plan - to make writing pay. And I have been paid. I really and truly have and I also have written and not gotten paid.

I have taken on some writing for a new magazine and something hit me... this is not what I want to be doing. I do not want to be spending a half an hour on the phone trying to get someone to talk to me about where to Salsa in Columbus, so that I can write a 200 word story and get paid $X if they publish and $Y if they kill. Seriously - that is less than than p cents a word and trust me I charge my corporate clients way more than that.

Now I like the exposure... but it comes at a price and the REAL price of late is that of my true passion - my kiddos and my novel and my poetry.

The bottom line is when E is in school full time- my plan is to be A) be published or B) utilizing my MBA and making some real money OR both. A friend used to say I was selling myself short and I used to counter that I was paying my dues.

This week I think I have finally decided I am selling myself short.

My goal is not to be a magazine author or editor. I have no real desire to be a journalist. I like writing marketing copy, curriculum, training materials and business documents - like white and gray papers and grants. That is what I want to do professionally - not chase Zumba instructors and write about Sakitinis.... unless of course I am writing menu descriptions of Sakitinis - then perhaps that is different.

And what I really want to do is write poetry and fiction for a living - but I am doubtful that that will ever really pay.

So the big thing for me - I have to decide what to do - because frankly I am burning myself out. I really and truly am. I was jazzed writing poetry for the Nake Sunfish this week and my upcoming workshop at Kenyon this summer. I am jazzed writing personal essays.

I also am feeling myself sinking into my normal trap of doing what I think is practical verses what I WANT TO BE DOING and well - it has made me pissy!

I went tonight to a poetry round table and read my work to other poets and songwriters and I made them cry and laugh and my work moved them. This is why I choose to be a writer.

I want to make an impact! I want to move people... I never went into writing to make money - I think I can make money writing and I have - but I think it is time to be choosier about the projects I take on... cuz if I am not feeling it - how can I possibly make others feel anything either - I am good but not that good.

I like writing the business blog and I even liked writing about chairs, I generally have enjoyed writing the MBA papers...

But I know in my heart - I am not a news hound and I know I am done selling myself for cheap... I would rather write a my novel and make nothing until I sell it - than feel the way I felt writing about salsa dancing... there is no passion as I write that story and yet I worked on my short story last night for the Washington Post contest with much passion and enthusiasm.

I have talent... the trick I think is to make sure I am developing the talent I like and not the talent I think will make me money... I can get a straight job with my MBA - I want my passion and my craft to be about an accurate expression of me...and my world view... I want to write right.

Where Can I buy...

a copy of Celebrated Deliberations? Click on the button - it is really that easy!

Allow me to introduce...

I have hinted at some big news and I am sure my new picture has not gone without notice. I have also hinted at being very busy writing and while much of my writing has been for Columbus Living Magazine and a few other websites, but I have also been very busy writing some fictions off and on and I have been even busier writing poetry.

Now I am sure some of you may be wondering why I have not been posting it here. Well there are a lot of reasons. Some of them good ones and some off them just plain silly. I will outline some of them.

In part I was shy about putting my creative work on the net. What if it sucked? What if it was no good. What if people did not like it? What if I could not sustain the pace?

Well my poetry does not suck. It is intensely personal, very powerful and actually surprising. I never thought of myself as a poet. I wrote poetry in college and then when I got out into the real world I stopped. About a year ago, I started writing poetry again and well I have not stopped. I have written enough to fill a small book.

Some of it is playful and fun and some of it is intensely emotional and I think all of it is a fair representation of me and who I am. I am so proud of my work and with the encouragement of some very great friends I have published my poems in a book. Celebrated Deliberations is available at this moment at LuLu.com. I have published the book under my pen name.

My pen name is very special to me. I chose it after alot of thought. I decided to go public with my work with a pen name for a number of reasons. I think my pen name is more artsy! I want to create a thin wall dividing my writing life and my kiddos lives. Being a kid is hard and having to deal with a mom who is being creative and all that is easier I think if their friends cannot find my work surfing around the web. (ok or their friends parents. Let's face it people can be judgmental.)

I gave my pen name alot of thought. I wrote it out and most of all I wanted it to mean something to me. I wanted it to be as personally as my work is to me. So I picked the name with some care and some forethought. I write and have now published as Elisa Philips. I am using my maternal grandmothers maiden name and changing her first name slightly.

My grandmother was a great woman. Good cook, had wanted to be a teacher but the depression had other ideas. She wrote letters - really long ones. She also was a killer archivist. She wrote notes and documented anything and everything. She compiled a genealogy of her family - a pains taking process - especially considering it was before the Internet.

I think she would be proud of my pursuing my dream. I am not sure all the content of my work would be her style - but I am pursuing my dream, being authentic to WHO I am and I am hopefully going to touch and inspire others and I know for sure she would have loved that.

If you would like to check out my new book - follow this link.