Normally I run at the gym, but today my hip was giving me a bit of trouble and my trainer decided today was the day we would up the weights. So I opted for a brisk walk instead of my normal all out run. I figure the faster I run, the soon I can be done. I know slow and steady will win the race, but I gotta tell ya - I am a sprinter, lets hurry up and be done kind of girl.
But I am way off my topic. So instead of running like a bat out of hell, I strolled and read this People Magazine.
(I normally am not a fan of People, but trust me when I say there was not alot to choose from.)
There was a reasonable well done article on Katie Holmes-Cruise. Also, some very fashionable photos of Katie and some great shots of her with baby Suri. Judging by the big smiles - motherhood is suiting her. She looked really happy. The kinda happy that comes from the inside, money does not buy this. All the make up and fancy clothes does not give you this happiness.
I have to say hats off to you Katie. For a while she was being hounded and the press has said some really terrible things about her. (Couch jumping lovers will do that for you girlfriend, but hey, at least he communicates his emotions - right?)
What I am really driving at is that motherhood does not spell the end of your life. Sure it changes your life, but it is not the end. While the challenges morph and change as time passes and you may never again sleep the sleep of the dead, like when you were 20 something - your life does not end when you birth a child. The choices get tougher, you have to be more creative, and you may be shocked that things that were so important to your pre-Mom self fade away, only to be replaced by bigger and better challenges.
I honestly spent about 8 years doing a job that brought me little personal fulfillment. Nice well rounded paycheck, but very little personal satisfaction. It was not something that feed my soul. It actually took it toll on me, mentally, socially, creatively. It frankly exhausted me. The money was seductive and the personal challenge was sometimes a rush, but frankly the money did not in the end make up for the fact that I was tired and irritable and frustrated.
I also felt really pulled apart, leaving L home and going to work.
Again, I have digressed. Today, 3 years after leaving that job and having a second child, I feel that I am once again going in the right direction on life's highway. I am in the passing lane even. I feel great, my creative spirit is once again alive and well. I am pursuing goals, I had set aside, for no reason other than mental exhaustion.
Sure, I cannot write 8 hours a day, but then I am not sure I would want to, even if I could. Sometimes, I am pulled in 8 directions and find myself too unfocused to write, well ok. But the bottom line is, I am once again feeling like pursuing my goal and working on my craft. If I had not had L & E, I am pretty sure, I would not have found the courage, to give this a try. It takes trying to coach the apple of eye on her bike, to teach you that you too have to sometimes let go and trust that everything will be ok, but only of you try.
Motherhood is many things, but for me it has been a new beginning, a second chance to live the life I want to live. A chance to be the woman, I have always longed to be. It has given me the courage to just be me!